Thursday, March 17, 2011

Super Metroid and Bell's Hop Slam: LIVE!!!

Welcome one and all to a sensational live event! I'll be playing through Super Metroid and drinking Bell's Hop Slam while Tiana blogs about it and drinks Hop Slam and Jason trolls Tiana's posts and drinks Hop Slam. Will I beat Super Metroid before I pass out from exhaustion? Will a surprise guest grace us with its rare and much-
sought-after deliciousness? Keep checking back in and find out. I'm going to hand things over to Tiana now. Live-blog away, Tiana!

12:25am: finish time: 2:29. "Not a personal best by any means, but it's nothing to be ashamed of. you can quote me on that."

12:23am: adorable animals freed, which is really the whole point of this game

12:21am: Giant Metroid dies, but not before bestowing rainbow powers all over this piece. Mother Brain suffers Samus Araneurysm

12:19am: Return of the giant Metroid!

12:18am: Everybody knows she's a m****rf***king monster!

12:17am: Mother Brain freed from her fishtank
12:16am: Samus follows the path carved by the mysterious giant Metroid. All enemies have disappeared. Crateria lays silent.

12:13am: A giant Metroid grabs Samus and eats her down to the bare nub of life!

12:10am: First Metroid sighted, dealt with

12:08am: Samus runs down a misty hall of spaceship wreckage to a room where a golden statue stands. It is forged of four beasts, each with a jeweled eye. One by one, the statues crack and turn to stone. The stone sinks deep into the trembling ground....

12:05am: the numbers game: 10 energy tanks. 2 reserves. 110+ missiles. 25 super missiles. 20 super bombs. screw attack. etc.

12:02am: Today is a great day for Super Metroid.

11:58pm: In some ways, Ben feels that he's playing the game with more complete clarity than ever before.

11:57pm: If you play this game right, every five or ten minutes you get a power-up or take an elevator, which makes it in some ways the ultimate drinking game.

11:56pm: I can't even describe how smooth this one move just was so I'm not even going to try.

11:54pm: Jason describes his live-trolling as 'forsplicable.'

11:52pm: 'Power bombs don't kill people. People kill people. And Samus kills everythang.'

11:50pm: On another personal note, my right eye is getting really blurry. This live-blogging thing needs health insurance.

11:44pm: Vanquished.

11:43pm: The Chronicles of Ridley:

11:41pm: Parents, now is the time to put your children to bed, as the massacre to follow is intended for mature audiences only. Only carnage can come of this.

11:36pm: Still in Ridley's lair. Ridley's still laying low.

11:31pm: Classic Metroid switcheroo. One of those statues that's been holding your presents this.whole.time comes to life and starts bombing everything in sight! This betrayal marks the beginning of the end.

11:29pm: music gets ominous.

11:22pm: "A Mr. Shout-Out to Mr. Taco for laying a strong foundation for this game. You can quote me on that." - Ben

11:21pm: FKBS is fairly weak at 11.5%

11:20pm: space jump in tha house! 'i'll be flipping all over the place. you can quote me on that.' - Ben


11:13pm: It might be the powerful alcohol, or the trace amounts of caffeine, or the intense hit of flavor in this beer, but Ben is getting his second wind

11:10pm: We discuss the NCAA results to date. Jason has Morehead State in the Sweet Sixteen so he's acting all smug. I'm 10 out of 15 in both leagues.

11:04pm: "Damn. It must be so hard to learn a game like this that has so many secrets," Jason says. "Yeah dawg. That's why it's raw," Ben replies.

11:01pm: Ben uses the grappling beam for underwater acrobatics. Jason chastises him for his malingering.

10:58pm: FKBS is 'pretty good. Beer's pretty fresh but the coffee flavor tastes stale.'

10:57pm: Eerily silent glass tube, shattered

10:55pm: On personal note, this Wildebeest is pairing remarkably well with this slice of carrot cake.

10:52pm: Stats update - 5 energy tanks. 1 reserve. 85 missles. 10 super missles. 10 power bombs. grappling beam. charge beam. spazer. wave beam. ice beam. about to get spring ball.

10:49pm: OMG VIP! Our secret guest is revealed: Founder's Kentucky Breakfast Stout!!!! Released earlier today, people across the nation are straight.up.flipping.out about this beer. There's been screaming in the streets. Rending of garments. Reverence. Exctasy. This is a truly landmark moment for Video Games and Booze and indeed for the whole world, as tonight's is the first recorded pairing of FKBS with SMetroid EVER!!! Stay tuned.

10:41pm: gravity suit. heavy shit

10:38pm: Ben brainstorms other things that could go well with Super Metroid:
  • Boulevard Saison Brett
  • A nice white Bordeaux
  • Pisco Sour
[All consumed in moderation, of course. Drink responsibly, kids.]

10:33pm: In honor of St. Patrick's Day, it's the leprechaun video. Who all seen the leprechaun say YEAH!

10:28pm: Review of current pairing (Wildebeest): "This isn't the last one, but it's also a little lighter and more refreshing. Also, the yeast are kind of like little Metroids." - Ben

10:26pm: everybody says Phantoon is so boss, but I'm pretty sure he just got owned:
10:20pm: aaaaaand we're back in a hallway.

10:20pm: We're outside! (in the game I mean, not in real life) (but for the record Chicago was beautiful today)

10:16pm: For the record, Jason is waaaaaay worse at live-trolling than I am at live-blogging. That's not a burn. That's just truth.

10:13pm: grappling beam: so extreme.

10:09pm: Ben pops an ibuprofen. Best pairing of the evening so far.

10:04pm: while we wait:

10:01pm: He found a way back. In the meantime, we've cracked a bottle of the Wildebeest homebrew. Reports to come.

9:59pm: oh CRAP! Ben needed some kind of super-bomb? But he forgot and went to get the grapple instead and now he's lost and doesn't know what to do. Contemplating Samus-cide as a solution.

9:56pm: Jason admits he can't troll in a vacuum.


9:52pm: Ben uses his clout as CEO of Video Games and Booze to make Jason get us more beers. Well played, Ben. Well played.

9:49pm: Ben is momentarily flustered by an enemy in the bubble chamber. Then he finds a secret passageway.

9:42pm: Fun facts (Wikipedia-styles): Super Metroid, released in 1994 by Nintendo, was the third in the Metroid series. It's also one of few early Nintendo games not designed by Miyamoto. Even after watching Ben play this game at least 4 times, I was still surprised to discover that the plot involves rescuing a baby Metroid from Space Pirates! Samus apparently imprinted on that Metroid-lette in an earlier episode? James notes that this edition includes 'strong maternal themes.'

9:35pm: They make fun of me for thinking 10% isn't that strong. In my head, I make fun of them for being wimps.

9:32pm: We consider the ABV of Hopslam. Though it tastes fairly strong, it's actually only 10%. Great for extended gaming.

9:29pm: Jason's failing his trolling duties cuz he's too busy live-trolling Ben (IRL). Latest zinger: "This is like amateur hour. Super Amateuroid."

9:24pm: WTF is a spazer that's not even a thing

9:24pm: Going down to Norfair. Gonna get some jumping boots.

9:21pm: This dude:

9:19pm: First mini-boss - that giant Venus flytrap-looking emm-effer.

9:14pm: Ben disagrees with my judgment, saying that he can sip every time he gets a power-up, which is like a built-in celebration.

9:13pm: I'd like to comment on the pairing at hand. I'm not sure any drink that requires somewhat constant attention, like a cold beer, is great for a game like this. Tooling on aliens seems to be taking a lot of Ben's attention while the beer sweats, alone, on the table.

9:07pm: Morphing Ball! And missiles!

9:03pm: "So far the pairing is working out wonderful because everything about it is wonderful. It's not the freshest Hopslam, but it was in my fridge all along. And you know. That counts for something. It preserves the flavor." - Ben

9:00pm: "Goooooooooooooooooooo!!!" - Ben

8:59pm: Hopslams are distributed. Emotions are high.

8:56pm and 30 seconds: he put it down again and walked away. So far, so thrilling.

8:56pm: Oh shit Ben just picked up his WiiMote for the first time!!!!!

8:55pm CST: Thanks Ben! I'm honored to be part of this illustrious event. I shall strive to do my best.


  1. Jason sucks at trolling. I'm out trolling the shit out of him

  2. And where can I get a stream? atdhe?

  3. Zack, this is Tiana. What is a stream?

  4. samus is a whiny bitch.

  5. i think this is a good pairing because my beer tastes old and this game was outdated 15 years ago.

  6. who the fuck is zack. tell him to get out of my comment thread.

  7. too close for missiles.

  8. Who the fuck is anonymous and why are they afraid to share? Specifically, who has a beer to share with me?

  9. 10% IS STRONG! WTF? read a book. p.s. seriously pick up the pace i almost fell asleep during that last boss. o and zack, why dont you go get your shinebox

  10. o wait, this part is so awesome! its this other hallway with platforms that looks just like the last part kind of but the walls are a different color. i'm so glad that we're gonna liveblog this for another 2.5 hours. it's totally worth it

  11. Tiana, tell Jason to take a shot and then tell you 10% is strong. Bonus points if he wretches.

    So I hope Brooklyn Lager goes well with internet trolling because that's all my parents got for beer. Woodford seems too classy. Sambuca is about right.

  12. You're slowing down in your old age Ben. I haven't seen you suck at Metroid this much since South Street.

  13. Ok so serious question for everyone. What can I do to make Corned Beef and Cabbage especially delicious? Got about 4lbs of beef to make tomorrow.

  14. Put a chunk of salt pork in it while it simmers. You can take it out when it's finished.

  15. Gotta say I'm surprised you haven't added bacon to anything on this blog yet.

  16. where are the naked chicks?

  17. Winning combo of the night, serenity finale and phone-blog-trolling

  18. do we really need to pause for 5 seconds every time ben picks up missiles?

  19. Do you really need to pause for an hour between trollings?

  20. 3 things:

    1) i just lost the game
    2) how crazy is that? i havent even thought about that in like 3 years
    3) some people need to take a look in the mirror before they start hatin

  21. grappling beam "COLON?!" so extreme. we got a real linguist on our hands here

  22. Shit you could fit a syringe or a hacksaw up in that colon that's what prisoners do I know I read law cases on that shit its fucked so extreme don't think they use grapplin beams tho peace

  23. y'all shouting out mr. taco?! what is it, 1987?! actually, it must not even be then because everyone knows its been all about el taco veloz since day one.

  24. Jesus Jason, you're trolling Mr. Taco???? How about you watch your mouth before you get wrecked???

  25. don't you people have jobs or something of the sort to deal with in the morning... i mean, damn - stop drinking and go to bed already! zack has clearly been in bed for hours now... ;0)

  26. This is Ben (up until now in this comment thread, it has been Tiana). Thanks everyone who took part in/trolled part in this experience. It was great! I'll write a reflective post on all of this in the next couple of days, in case anyone is still foaming at the mouth for more Super Metroid/Hop Slam/Homebrew/Kentucky Breakfast Stout/Awesome Times updates.

  27. Indubitably thrilling! Live blogging for the win, y'all. I demand cake and you shall fetch me some hence.

  28. zack's comment at 9:15pm easily the greatest of all time, and other thoughts from last night: a liveblogging retrospective

    (wv: horsolis)